Blue Moon

New Year's Eve was interesting as it housed a blue moon. The date was significant from a numerological standpoint: 12-31-2009.  The number 9.  I pondered the signifigance of it all. I'm still pondering....New Year's Day means many things to people: a chance to start over, resolve to try something new, give something up, etc. (For me, that comes on winter solstice.)

A full moon, to me, signifies the culmination of everything--all the seeds planted come to fruition. It's a fulfillment of ideas, thoughts, stages in personal acts of power, and creative endeavors. Wonder what would happen if I took large goals and made the small goals along the way correspond with the phase of the moon? (Random thought)

Then, the moon began to wane on the start of the new year...a letting go, a releasing of sorts.

On the flip side, perhaps there isn't much significance because our present day calendar doesn't correspond to anything in the natural world as the ancient calendars once did. So, does it mean anything that the blue moon appeared on the brink of a new year, a new decade? Maybe not.

Interestingly enough and a little known fact because the Christian church seldom talks about it, if at all: the Hebrew people celebrated new moon every month. It's in the Old Testament. They also celebrated the fall and spring equinoxes, if I recall correctly. (Perhaps they don't teach it because it sounds too pagan for them or because they've disregarded the Old Testament entirely which comprises about 85% of the whole Bible.) In almost every ancient culture, the moon phases and sun play a huge role in life, right down to planting of vegetables.

Perhaps goal setting based on my winter solstice declaration with the moon phases in mind, isn't a bad idea. It would be interesting to see what happens.

The pivotal point--Solstice

Solstice...the shadow of night and the dawn of day. After that, the night begins to shorten and the daylight lasts longer, bit by bit.  And so, as I do every year, I engage in releasing the parts of myself that have hindered me over the past year--the things that have come to light in my awareness. 

Releasing isn't always easy. I find that most of me wants to release and yet there is this part of me--the darker aspect of my soul--that wants to cling to these things. Why? Familiarity, I suppose or perhaps cowardice. It's easier to remain with what's familiar even if I know it no longer serves me well...or worse, is downright destructive. I notice we carry false beliefs like our own children, feeding them, nourishing them, guiding them...we adopt them as part of who we are...although they aren't.

Nonetheless, the winter solstice comes and I inwardly search my soul, viewing my willingness to release, and becoming aware of the effort it will take. It should be effortless. I walk myself through the process of making it effortless...it's all part of releasing what hinders. The mere fact it takes effort is something that needs released as well.

I carefully choose exactly how and what to release, as words have power and I find I usually get exactly what I intend. Being precise matters--a lot.  I'm mindful not to choose too many things--more than I can handle at one time. Release is usually rapid and Life responds with situations that demand me to act on the new found truth of my being.

This year, I gently and effortlessly, naturally release the false belief of money making people mean and selfish. It doesn't. I know that. I gently, effortlessly release my fear of money making me forget who I am. I won't.  

I effortlessly, gently release my fear of not being truly heard or seen in a positive light, especially in regard to my family, my writing, and in my business endeavors. (Merely writing this is a test of willingness to release that very thing, as I blow away the urge to backspace it all. This very act enables--I almost wrote, 'coerces'--me to be visible and I feel raw...like the tree in winter.)

Solstice is also a time for me to accept the newness that I intend for my life, just as daylight grows longer bit by bit. Again, I'm careful how I choose my words. Writing intensifies  the intention and creates some incredible movement in my life. It's odd how it works. But I know if I write it, it will be--exactly as I've written.

What newness will I accept? I've been spiralling around this for the past two days now. My life is so full and more often than not, I'm truly happy inside...a deep happiness...I'm truly grateful for the way my life flows. It's a true dance of my spirit. I'm content for the most part.

The real question then, I realize while typing, is what newness will come from releasing those aspects of my shadow self and how can I channel that newness into useful, positive things?  I have abundance in so many areas of my life! I'm truly blessed. 

In answer to the above question:

I intend to naturally, gracefully and with wisdom, accept positive flowing abundance into all aspects of my life, including financial abundance, always in keeping with who I am and the Highest Good for my family, as well as others.

I intend to not hesitate out of fear and wisely act on the creative ideas and inspirations that support who I truly am, result in positive outcomes for others as well, especially in regards to writing and business.

I intend to be visible in a positive light and not personalize the rejection of such, as it's what flows through me, not from me, that

(start over...correct wording is essential. I won't intend rejection. lol)
I intend to be visible and heard in a positive light when I am living my own truth, being who I was born to be, and acting, speaking with integrity. Moreover, I naturally accept being visible and heard.

I gratefully, naturally, and peacefully accept the freedom these ways of thought and being will bring into my life.

I don't think I'm ready to accept love (of the romantic version) from another person and I'm not willing to release what's inside that holds me from letting go, however. And it remains a quandary for me. I suspect it's painful but I'm so numb inside I don't feel it. Some part of my heart is locked away...far far away...so far I don't even know where it is or even with what key I used...but this is for another time, another day. I'm rambling...things are churning inside.

I've written enough for one night. :) May your holiday be filled with great blessings and may you notice them all and drink them into your heart and soul! Know that you so richly deserve it all!

Solitary Baseball

I have come to the conclusion that the universe loves me...in spite of myself.  I'm constantly finding new ways to sabotage my own movement through life, my serenity, and my spirit.


I was never a great athlete. I had the coordination of a dead frog. Consequently, I was the last one chosen for teams in gym and the one who sat on the bench when I was on a basketball team. (Well, except for the 5 minutes of playtime I did get because of some stipulation that every one must have a chance to play.) 


In stark contrast, whenever I pick up that mental baseball bat, I can swing it over and over again, always hitting my mark without fail--my own soul. 


(something in my mind whispers, "Yeah, but kid, you're aiming at the wrong ball in the wrong ball park!")


And still, the universe loves me in spite of myself...in spite of all the self-inflicted wounding, all the complications of thought, all the stupid choices (especially the ones when I knew better and did it anyway), all the steps I've taken on the path of self-destruction.


How do I know the universe loves me? It's in the most subtle ways...like the heart shaped tree I saw last week, a song on the radio that is exactly what I need to hear at that moment, situations working out perfectly at the very last minute, and the list goes on and on.


Some call that luck. I know it's more than that.


Each occurrence of universal granting of needs, I utter deep felt gratitude. I bask in it. I'm enraptured with the feeling of being loved by something so incomprehensible and omnipotent as the universe.  It conspires with me and more often, on my behalf without my awareness. (sometimes without my cooperation) 


Awareness is everything and so I look for the signs, the symbols, the metaphors...I hold them in my heart and mind. They are the messages of universal love.


Love is an action, not mere emotion. The action fuels the emotion and in turn, the emotion causes more action--and all without expectation. I've found that for the most part, only the universe and Life loves unconditionally. The sun still comes up in the morning and I have another day, no matter what I did the day before. The earth still inspires with its timeless, ever-changing beauty. And people the world over, still walk the concrete and steel palaces we've built, which is a testament of the earth's forgiveness.


I fully believe the soul is a gift. Yet, I don't cherish it as such, consistently or often enough. The fact that I am still dreaming, thinking, engaging in life is amazing to me. There's definitely a higher love all over the place. It resonates through everything. And it's utterly effortless, flowing fluidly with every change.


I grab the baseball bat less and less. When I do hold it, I'm at bat for shorter periods of time. I should burn it. I was never good at baseball anyway.

The Heart of the Naked Tree

There was a day or two in the beginning of last week when I was feeling quite defeated--something I don't often allow myself to sink into.  I was afraid I was going to have to close my business and call it an experience that failed.  I was in the hole in a bad way. Nothing was on the schedule book. The phone got shut off. (A few days later I was able to get it turned back on by stroke of luck.) I was sinking further and further into despair.

But then, my Ausband stubborness kicked into high gear. I actually yelled at the top of my lungs in the car, "NO! This is NOT an option! This is not going to happen, damn it!" In my mind's eye, I shook my fist at the Universe...moreso at my own fear, worry, and self-wallowing.

While all this was going on, I was making a ton of love jars as a donation to families who applied for Christmas help. During that process, I realized what I was writing and it finally sunk into my being. (Hey, write 25-30 notes each for 108 love jars and something is bound to seep in!) 

"You are a Perfect Portrait of Love"

"Love doesn't know I Can't"

"You are a Miracle in Motion"

"Know the Magic of You!"

"Worry is a muscle cramp of Abundant Positive Flow"

"Believe in the unimaginable possibilities for your life"

The words flowed from somewhere and on to each slip of paper.

Slightly beyond halfway finished, in a single moment--a nanosecond--I was slapped in the face by it all. Everything made sense to me. The message applies to me too. I'm not exempt. (Neither are any of you, by the way)

My stubborn resolve became firmly entrenched in my being...I could pull this out...I'm an Ausband, made of Love and I do not know defeat.

........And then there were two people on the schedule for that Friday and another on the schedule for the following Monday.

It's amazing what happens when I magnetize myself, business, etc!  It's a shift in frequency, that's all it is. So simple. I wonder why I forget that so much?

The two on that Friday were mobile therapy appointments. So while driving, guess what I see?! It's this tree alone in a barren field with only two branches coming off of the main trunk angled in separate directions. On the upper top of those two branches, were smaller branches arching in toward each other.

The tree made a perfect heart, with a solid trunk rooted in the earth.  Should that tree have had leaves, had it been another season, no one would have seen it's heart. What a reflection for me! 

A single tree, naked in winter's chilled grip, yet standing firm, strong, in its barest, truest essence, was providing inspiration to those travelling down their own road to destinations unknown.

This week, out of the blue, the phone was ringing, people were scheduling, I'm able to keep office open I think, and I am able to do what I was put here to do: Help people and their bodies heal themselves. 

Ironically (maybe not so ironic), in this process, I also healed a little more of myself. 

The Tempest of Time

Time seems to have gotten away from me these past few weeks.  I'm not a timekeeper. I don't look at the clock often, unless I absolutely have to. There's a degree of freedom in that.  I rule time, it doesn't rule me.

However, there are moments when a day to me could be as long as two or as brief as an hour. Weeks could seem like a year or mere days. The furious speed of time is usually my indicator that I've moved too far away from myself--from my center.  I've moved into the winds of the tornado that whirls around me with all its debris and chaos; howling winds so loud I can't hear my own inner voice.  

I'll feel it internally...I will feel out of sync, as if something vague is plaguing my soul but I'm unable to see the menace. I'm out of balance.  Often, it will take my own body sending the reminder to move into the center of the tempest. By that point, I'm already sucked into the vaccum of the external realm, into the demands of others--or self-perceived demands of others.  Slowly and with arduous effort, I pull myself out of it and into the calm. 

Every once in a while, I'll get a gentle reminder from a friend or family member to reconnect with my center. That is an incredible blessing because it comes before my body goes into rebellion.

It's only here, in that sacred silence, the stillness of the soul that I have true discernment. It's here that I can guage what are my own expectations, what are perceived expectations others may have...

I read that segment again: what are perceived expectations others may have?  I have to question myself if they really have those expectations of me at all? Most likely not.

I know the people in my life and I know they accept that I have responsibilities, a life of my own, dreams of my own. They also know and understand that it's vital for me to take time for myself, to be introspective, to center, to be a silent witness in my own life and soul. They know I love them and I know they love me.

So I wonder, where exactly do the perceived expectations come from?  It's something I must explore and free myself from.

I hear an echo way down deep in the dark chasms of my soul. It's so distant and muffled, I can't recall. Some demons we lock away and starve, will still scream from time to time. The screaming reverberates through our daily life in both blatant and subtle ways.  I think I need some metaphysical duct tape for them.

Thank you, Al for the reminder! I'm so grateful to you for that! Once again, I return to myself, return to words of Inner Truth that flow from the depths of my soul. Once again, I center and regain my control over time rather than its control over me.